The Best Of A Reluctant Mom

Folks, I've hit a creative wall. I started this blog anonymously because it gave me the freedom to write what I wanted, but I couldn't remain unknown for long. The lack of anonymity has stifled my thoughts and curbed what I sometimes really wanted to say. This mental block came at a bad time, too, because I just found out I have a heckler (and what I love is this person hates me enough to read more than one post!), which tells me I have finally made it in the blogging world.

So I've decided to reprint some posts I thought were either helpful or informative - The Best Of A Reluctant Mom, if you will. Loyal readers may feel the need to leave me (I understand completely) and new readers may not. Either way, I thank you for your devotion and wish you all well. I may write again, but have not made that decision yet.

Today's post was originally printed on December 11, 2007, entitled The Secret, Parenting Style.

I’m scared to admit this, but I think I found the book that can answer my questions about parenting, marriage and life in general. I mentioned this book, “Easy To Love, Hard To Discipline” by Becky A. Bailey, Ph.D., in a previous post and now that I have it and have been reading it, I want to sing its praises. Loudly.

We all suffer from the teachings we were given as children. No matter how many times you tell yourself, “I will never do what my parents did,” inevitably you may find yourself saying, “Because I said so!” or “Shut up!” We only know what we have been taught.

I don’t like the parenting my parents did. I love my parents, and I am very lucky to have had such a generous and giving mom and dad, but they did not know how to handle a strong-willed, testing child like me. Rather than take the time to teach, they broke my spirit (albeit unintentionally). I do not blame them and in fact, when I see Aimee’s behavior, I think, “No wonder they spanked the life out of me.” Although I do not spank my kids, I dream of doing so. Often.

The wish to harm my kids is the reason I have found this book so enlightening. Every other parenting book I have read tells me to avoid doing X, avoid doing Y, if you’re doing Z no wonder your kids are bad, blah, blah, blah. I found myself getting angry at the books for telling me what I was doing wrong without giving me better direction. I want to learn what to do right without focusing on my bad behavior. Wait! Could that be the answer to positive discipline with kids, too? You bet it is. Focusing on the positive and teaching a child when they are misbehaving so they will learn for life.

I haven’t finished the book yet but I what I have read gives me solace and hope. It is a tutorial that offers real-life examples and allows you to make mistakes without beating yourself up. We are human, after all, and we are supposed to make mistakes. More importantly, this book illustrates how to stay focused on the positive, and reminds you that what you pay attention to you get more of. For instance, if you say to a child, “Don’t hit your sister!” or “Don’t jump on the sofa!” the child only hears what you are focusing on (i.e. hitting the sister or touching the lamp). Instead, say, “Keep your hands to yourself” or, “If you want to jump you must do it outside.” Do you see the difference? Saying “don’t” means nothing to a child. I have read this theory in parenting books time and again but I needed more information. This book gives me the instructions, which I find so refreshingly helpful. Instead of, “Stop fidgeting,” I say, “Sit properly.” Instead of “Stop doing this” I say, “Do this.” When you are used to saying “Stop” and “Don’t,” this behavioral change requires some practice. A lot, in fact.

But changing yourself is exactly the point of this book (and one the other books only touch upon). Without disciplining yourself how can you expect your kids to be well behaved? Dr. Bailey gives a great example of a woman who walked for three days to see Mahatma Gandhi. When she finally met with him in person she asked for help regarding her son. “All he does is eat sugar all day. Nothing else. Will you help me?” Gandhi told the woman to go home and return in a week with her son. She went home and returned a week later with the boy. Gandhi recognized the woman and looked at the boy. “Stop eating sugar!” he said to the boy. The woman was furious. “I just walked for three days each way to hear you say something to my son that I could have said to him myself?” He said, “It took me a week to stop eating sugar myself. I could not tell him to do something that I myself was still doing.”

Get the idea? You can’t scream at the busboy or lose it in traffic and expect your kids to sit quietly and behave. They learn by watching you.

I tried to use one of the tools I learned this past weekend. Aimee was testing and fighting my husband and me at every stop. I decided to pick up the book and read it voraciously. Here’s how well it taught me: Last night Aimee stood at the top of the stairs and refused to get into her pajamas. “No!” she yelled. “No! No! No!” (Even after having two kids I still get stumped when a child yells, "No!") Rather than engage Aimee (as I sometimes used to do) I walked away, took a huge deep breath and then went back to her. “Aimee, I can hear you. I know you don’t want to get into your pajamas. I need you to get dressed because we as a family are a team, and when you do your part, you help the whole family.” She responded, “No!” I said, “Fine. You don’t have to get dressed. But I can only do my part if you do yours.” I walked away. She stood at the stairs for a few minutes and then said, “Mommy, I decided to behave!” She ran in her room and got dressed and came down to show me. “Aimee, I am so pleased you decided to listen and join the team. Are you proud of yourself?” She beamed with pride. “Good. You should be.” The night went flawlessly after that.

Reading "Easy To Love, Hard To Discipline" reminds me how easy it is to become our parents. “Why are these dishes not done? Do I have to remind you a thousand times to do something? What’s wrong with you?” Did you ever hear any of that as a child? Rather than being shamed, wouldn’t it be nice to hear, “Jane, it’s your week to do the dishes. Please go do them now.” No blame, no anger, just direction. So much easier and so much less energy expended.

I hope you will all get this book because I think the lessons involved can be used for every day life as well. For instance, if you are in a dead-end job and you always think, “I wish my boss wouldn’t bother me” or “I wish I didn’t have this job,” you are focusing on the negative. If, instead, you say to yourself, “I want a better job” or “I want to work for a more humane company,” reaching those goals will be your focus. Same goes for weight-loss. If you say, “I will stop eating junk food” or “I need to stop being so sedentary,” you will never lose weight. If you say, “I need to eat healthfully and exercise more,” the attention is positive. You get the idea.

(Just now I said to the girls: “Time to get ready for quiet time!” Aimee yelled out, “No, Mommy, no!” I said, “Come on, team, let’s go brush our teeth and get ready.” Pause. “Okay, Mommy, here we come!” God I love this book.)