Culture Gap, Now & Then

Imagine having parents who grew up in another country. Picture having a mom and dad with accents so pronounced you sometimes had to explain to your friends what they had just said (and being mortified while you did that). Envision asking when it was all right to go on a date and hearing a silence so deafening you had to leave the room.

Can you see yourself in that life? Then you’d know what it was like to be me.

Being the child of immigrants – worse, immigrants with a minority religion and culture – was really tough on me growing up. They did their best to raise me as an American but the Egyptian in them always seeped through.

And I was completely embarrassed by it.

Thankfully the United States today is a much bigger melting pot than it was 40 years ago. I am not the only one whose parents immigrated here (and have friends my age who are immigrants). I am no longer horrified by my mom and dad’s ethnicity and, in fact, am proud of who I am and where my family originated. (Egypt? Who could be embarrassed by all that history? The Pyramids? The Sphinx? Hieroglyphics? Mummies? The list goes on and on.)

However, I am still torn between two cultures. Let’s take dating, for instance. I was never allowed to date. I was told I could go out with groups of boys and girls (which I did) but was not allowed to go one-on-one with a boy to a movie or to a party. My parents were fearful; they didn’t want me to become sexually active and rather than sit down and talk about it they either ignored my developing body or got upset when a boy called our house. I had no boundaries and I had no idea how to navigate through puberty. (That was fun.)

According to this article from The Wall Street Journal, it is a miracle I met and married a good man. According to the story, parents should get involved in their kids’ budding romances early in order for them to make wise choices later on. To paraphrase, parents should be a sounding board and offer advice when necessary without being judgmental (that’s the key – keep your pie hole shut while the kid is talking). Read the article – the basis for talking to your kids about puppy love is really a solid basis for parenting in general. (Click here to read it in its entirety.)

My problem is I don’t believe teenagers should have boyfriends or girlfriends. I know that may sound insane after all I went through with my own parents, but hear me out. What age is appropriate? Twelve? Fourteen? Sixteen? Kids that age are really young. They should not be tying themselves to one person. If I had married the person I met in high school I would have been divorced a year later. Hell, if I married the guy I dated when I was 21 I would have also been divorced a year later. I changed so much in my 20s I needed that time alone to figure out who I was and what I wanted in my life. I dated, but never seriously. And that’s what I think people should do. I think no one should have one boyfriend or one girlfriend until they are ready to settle down. (Click here, click here, click here, click here, click here, click here and click here to read previous posts on talking to your kids about sex and sexual education.)

Teenagers are not ready to settle down.

Consider this: I have three friends who are currently single (all in their 40s). All three are what I refer to as serial monogamists. They have had either a boyfriend or girlfriend their whole lives (not the same one – they date these people for years at a time). They wasted a lot of time with people they knew they weren’t going to marry because it was either convenient to have a significant other or because they were scared to be alone. As a result they never went out and found the person who should have been their partner.

So what am I going to do when my kids want to start dating? (Or, rather, what are my husband and I going to do?)

I’m going to take the advice offered by the article and talk to my kids early and often. I’m going to explain how I feel about dating and sex. I’ll tell them about my experiences and those of my friends and hope by doing so they will make good choices.

I can only hope.

Photo by Stephen Tainton, courtesy of stock.xchng