When I was a child I had to beg my mother for forgiveness. I’m talking drop to my knees, weep tears of remorse and apologize over and over for whatever error I had committed. “I’m sorry, Mom! I’m so sorry!” I used to cry, tears racing so fast out of my eyes I could barely see. My mother would sit in front of me, stone-faced, until she was satisfied with my bowing and scraping. Finally, she would say, “Well, you should be sorry.”
Meanwhile, my mother had the opposite problem: in my entire childhood I don’t think I have ever heard her say those two words or admit her guilt. No matter what the situation, in her mind she was always right. (She has since changed a great deal and even though she still has a hard time apologizing, she will do it if proven wrong. This is the outcome of our change in relationship dynamic. Thank goodness for small miracles.)
My mom’s inability to say she was sorry had a profound (and ill) effect on me. When I met my husband and we had an argument, I also remained tight-lipped, refusing to express remorse. “Why won’t you just say you’re sorry?” my husband would ask me. When I finally thought about what he had said, I realized just how wrong I was. Now the words, “I’m really sorry” tumble easily out of my mouth and I can freely admit when I am wrong. (Okay, sometimes the words don't come out so freely. I never said I was perfect.)
When I had my children, however, something wonderful happened. The Apology Fairy came to my house and dumped a generous portion of Sorry Dust over my head as I slept. As a result, I have absolutely no restraint when it comes to admitting guilt with either of my girls. “I’m so sorry,” I have said to each of them, many times. “That’s okay,” they will say back. We hug and all is better. There is no drama – we just move on.
Because I am able to request forgiveness my children do so easily as well – with me and with each other. Even if I’m extremely angry at something they have done, I always respond, “It’s okay,” or “I accept your apology” if they admit fault. They behave the same way with others and with me, freely doling out absolution where needed.
Considering my dysfunctional upbringing it’s no shock that apologies weren’t normal. My brother, when I expressed my dismay at something he had done, would say, “I’m sorry you feel…”
Um, yeah. That’s not quite the generous spirit I was hoping to find. (News flash: apologies don’t make others feel bad.)
I feel I’ve come a long way from the child who hated to say she was sorry (and, frankly, wouldn’t you have a hard time eating crow if you had to work super hard to do so and not get any reward in the end?). I never, ever want my children to feel they have to beg for mercy. To do so is both humiliating and demeaning. (Seriously. A simple apology wasn’t enough? Who acts that way?)
My husband will tell you I still have to work on my skills but he doesn’t realize where I began my journey. The fact that I can be regretful without feeling like I’m giving away a part of my soul is a huge step for me. I’m thrilled that I haven’t passed down that hateful tradition to my children and for that, I will be forever grateful (and not one bit sorry).
Photo by Sophie, courtesy of stock.xchng
3 comments:
So unfortunate that not all people can see the benefit of restoring trust after breaking it knowingly, or otherwise. As one who was wrong since conception, Apologizing comes easily for me. Its strange how people get all worked up about the idea of sometimes making choices that are in fact hurtful. We are human, for crying out loud....and you know what I say to the apologies of that sort "I am sorry that you feeel....." Thanks, but its not necessary to apologize to me for my feelings. the real rub here, for me is when these lame non-apologizers want you to remain vulnerable for their kind words or gifts. You cant just matter and have impact when it suits you!!!!
Roxanne, you've no idea how timely this post is for me, and I'm grateful for your clear-headed assessment of the whole apology issue. For years I've been grappling with my emotions about a once-strong friendship that's deteriorated. I saw my former BFF this past weekend, and it all came flooding back. One of the dynamics was that when I began speaking up and expressing my hurt feelings at some of her treatment, she would become super-defensive and the conversation always ended with ME reassuring HER that yes, I cared deeply for her and respected her and valued our friendship. Upon reflecting, I realized that never had I heard her utter a sentence that started with "I'm sorry" and DIDN'T contain a big "but" somewhere.
The whole concept of apology is often so misunderstood. The other morning my husband and I had a little tiff over a household matter, and after he left for work I felt myself getting all worked up -- until he called from the car and simply said, "I'm sorry I did X." My anger completely subsided, and I realized that was all I needed to hear. Later that day I reciprocated by saying, "I'm sorry I made a big deal of X," and that was the end of it. It was a beautiful thing. That's the real power of apology, isn't it?
Whew, it was nice to vent...I can see why you enjoy blogging!
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