Playing Doctor

When Lily was 2 and a half, a 4-year-old boy from the neighborhood came over to play with her. I was 8 months pregnant at the time and thankful to have a playmate for my toddler. I listened in on them playing and after a while, things got very quiet. I knew that was my cue to go downstairs and check in on them. I was completely unprepared for what I saw.

The boy, who I’ll call Bobby, was busily taking off Lily’s jeans and didn’t see me come down the steps. Lily was sitting on the floor looking slightly confused. She smiled at me when I came in the room. “Hi, Mommy!” she said. Bobby, startled, jumped up and walked around the room nervously.

“Hey,” I said casually, “what are you guys up to?”

“Oh, she just, I just, we just,” Bobby said, stuttering. He couldn't look me in the eye.

“He’s taking my pants off!” Lily said innocently. She was smiling.

“Oh,” I said. “Well, we don’t do that. We keep our clothes on when we play. Understand?”

They both nodded. I walked back upstairs and immediately called my sister-in-law. I told her what had just happened and she started to laugh. “Oh, kids do that,” she said. She told me she caught her son when he was 5 years old in the bathroom with his friend and they were totally naked. “You just have to tell them it’s not appropriate and to get dressed, but don’t shame them,” she said.

I breathed a sigh of relief until the next day, when Bobby came by again. He and Lily were in the driveway playing and I went inside to get something. I watched them through the window and saw Bobby walk up to Lily, who was on her tricycle. He took her face in his hands and pulled her toward him. He tried to kiss her but she pulled her face away. He then grabbed her head and forced it toward him. His lips were extended. I went outside and again, he jumped away and got nervous and upset.

“I think your mom wants you to go home,” I lied.

“Okay,” he said.

According to an article entitled Recognizing Healthy and Unhealthy Sexual Development in Children by Phil Rich, Bobby’s forceful behavior and nervous reaction were two big, red flags. In all the warning signs listed in the article, Bobby was guilty of several, including:

* Children aged 4 and older should understand the rights and boundaries of other children in sexual play.
* Children should not experience fear, shame, or guilt in their sexual play.
* Children should not engage in adult-type sexual activities with other children.
* Children should not use bribery, threats, or force to engage other children in sexual play.

I decided not to allow Bobby around my children ever again.

This was hard to do, considering I developed a friendship with his mother and they lived nearby. But when I tried to broach the subject with her, rather than say, “Wait, what? He did what?” She acted defensively and told me she thought I misconstrued what I saw. (Because I’m clearly insane and all.) I kept my distance from her, which was hard to do, and soon our friendship ended. I just couldn't put my children in jeopardy, and because she was so unwilling to listen, I knew I could not explain why I suddenly became "so busy."

I wanted to learn more about “playing doctor” after the Bobby incident. According to Dr. Spock, boys age 6 or 7 will compare penis size and girls that age will compare clitoral size. “It’s part of the general process of seeing how you measure up to your peers,” he writes. However Bobby was two years older than Lily, and because his reaction was one of guilt, not innocence, I became concerned. I decided to read more.

“Most children who have been abused sexually exhibit unusual behaviors not seen previously such as sexual behaviors inappropriate for the child’s developmental age. I remember one abused child who seemed to enjoy imitating adult sex acts in front of other children. This kind of behavior is not consistent with the normal sexual exploration among children such as ‘you show me yours, and I’ll show you mine.’ Also a child who masturbates compulsively and often in public places is expressing an interest in sexual activity more frequent and intense than seen in normal masturbation in children.” (Dr. Spock's Baby and Child Care)

I don’t know if Bobby has been abused or if he was allowed to watch inappropriate television, but either way, something was wrong with his behavior. I know his mother allowed him to watch adult shows (“Oh, I just cover his eyes when it’s not appropriate,” she once said to me. Because, right, kids are so stupid they can’t figure out what’s really going on.)

Bobby and his family moved away, thankfully, but the incident made me realize I needed to be more proactive when it comes to my children’s safety. I now talk to them before they go to people’s homes for play dates because I am not always there to watch them. I tell them about inappropriate touching and also explain that masturbation is normal but to be done in private. I tell them to use their words and to never be afraid to say, "No." I also say they can always tell me if they are afraid, and to ask to go home if they feel uncomfortable or upset.

When people think about sexual abuse, they often envision a disgusting predator hanging out at the playground. But many children are abused by people they know well. According to this article, two-thirds of children are abused by someone they know.

Parents need to protect their children before something awful happens. This site is an excellent resource and gives examples of what to say to your child, how to teach them in a way that isn't scary and how to say, "No!"

For more information on sexual development and how to talk to your kids about these issues, click here, click here, and click here. For tips on how to protect your children and talk to them about this issue, click here. Also, this site is also a great resource for talking to your kids about difficult issues.

Photo by Jyn Meyer, courtesy of stock.xchng