Man, do I meet a lot of bitchy moms. I am talking about mothers who don't return your smile, who look only at their own children and never remark (in a good or bad way) about anyone else's kid. These women act as if they are part of some elite group of parents who wear bright pink lipstick, sip cocktails and chat as their freshly scrubbed, well-mannered children sit nicely beside them.God, I hate those women.
One such “lady” is in Aimee’s Mommy and Me class. She lives in a nearby town (where every woman looks identical – blond bob, perky smile, preppy clothing; she, however, is Asian-American, so it’s odd to me that she takes on the Stepford persona and style). I have been in that class with Aimee for more than a year now, and every Monday I smile and say hello. Sometimes she smiles, sometimes she nods, but most days she doesn’t answer.
Another woman is an even bigger mystery to me because I have known her peripherally for almost two years now. We have the same friends, attend the same parties and we see each other every Friday at another Mommy and Me class. Not once has she said hello to me first. Not once. So imagine my surprise when, a month ago, I got a postcard from her in the mail. It was announcing her new venture: she was a direct-sales jewelry consultant. I stared at the card, incredulously, because I had no idea how a person with no charm, no social skills, would succeed in such a business. In fact, just last week I saw her by chance in a store, and I said, “Hi, Jenny,” and she just sort of nodded and moved on.
(Take a moment to pause if you need to; I certainly do.)
Here’s the thing: we live in a really small town. I see the same people, attend the same functions and our children go to the same schools. How can someone afford to be so rude?
I thought about just ignoring her completely. But when she is friends with someone I know, it’s hard to just turn my back on her. Besides, I’m not that kind of person. I’m really social and I love to chat with other moms. This situation, like parenting, is a big challenge for me.
People have told me my whole life that my expectations of others are higher than most. Maybe that’s because I have a very tight-knit group of gal pals who I have known for most of my life and who are very dear to me. Those friends are rare in the sense that I can call them up and laugh or cry with them, depending on how I’m feeling. I know they won’t judge me and they won’t say, “Gee, sorry, I have no idea what you’re going through.” We are here for each other, and the comfort I have from knowing that is like no other.
So I wonder what life is like for a bitchy mom. Are they just so miserable that even returning a smile is impossible? More to the point, should I confront them and ask how on earth they can be so bitchy? My husband laughs when I tell him how I feel because he, too, cannot believe my stories. But, he says, I should just ignore them. If you know me, you know I have a hard time ignoring anything. I’m going to see one of the women today, and I wonder what will happen. I may just have to tell her how I feel.
10 comments:
Ah, we bond again Roxanne! It takes every ounce of will-power to get into the "everyone is on their own path for a reason" groove when it is a daily encounter mom. I mean, I can let of my anger and frustration with foreign dictators and scandalous financial barons, but I find it HORRENDOUS when moms treat each other without compassion and humor. I mean there is that unspoken sisterhood we enter when the wee ones come into our lives. When we find ourselves bonding with the stepford wives about the food we feed our children, the state of our schools, the snail trails our husbands leave behind them (yes, sometimes it IS the socks on the floor we are fighting about-sorry-deal with it!) - women we would NEVER think twice about wanting to speak to much less breathe near MUST become our allies if we are to find ourselves wandering the motherhood path with them. Sheesh. I will always lend an ear to your rantings oldfriend!
I feel your pain and frustration,
My kids school is teeming with bitchy, stuck up, over involved alpha moms making anyone who is not chairing 5 commitees and theparent board simultaneously feel like a miserable slacker ( never mind that some families are not "to the manor born" and have to work for a living.)
I can never understand this superior and condescending attitude, since it is apparent that WE ALL love our kids and are doing the best we can with the resources we have available to us.
All I can come up with is that they feel a need to preserve what they see as their "Hancock Park Society " and any power and status it may confer upon them. They need to keep the peasants at bay I suppose.
Any likeminded souls who would like to take these mothers for a good dunking in the town well ???
I LOVE this post!!!!!!!
I agree 100% with all of the comments. I know this is like 3 years from the original publish date, but I wanted to tell you...go girl- preach it!!
I know exactly what you are talking about. I have to admit that i struggle around some other mothers. My husband and I moved to a new city a few years ago and I made plenty of friends through my job but when I had my son a year and a half ago I entered a brand new realm I didnt know existed.
It hit me as soon as I started to go to Mother and Baby groups. I was cold shouldered within 10 minutes of my first visit. Whether it was because of my accent which is very much North of England as opposed to their Eastern twangs, or because I didnt go to their NCT meetings (I worked till very late in my pregnancy) I was pretty much ignored.
Quite a few if the other mums who were very nice said it may be jealousy as my little boy had a full set of curls from the moment he was born, walked and talked very early and is very tall for his age. I get raised eyebrows from people when I say he is only 18 months old. But I think this is very unlikely as all Mothers think there children are the best no matter what.
Now I am back at work part-time my son goes to child care with 2 of these bitchy moms kids. They play togeher, eat together, all day and get on really well for such young kids, but there mothers still to this day dont even say hello to me if I see them.
Its hard enough being a first time parent and I just cannot understand why some moms are intent on being bitchy. Surely we should be more supportive of each other.
My son is in his second year in the same the preschool that he attended last year. Last year was a huge culture shock and struggle for me as he is a timid kiddo and would tell me each school day that he didn't want to go. I am friends with another mom who also had her kid in his class last year. She is a friend, but when it came to her son, well, he just couldn't be beat. Lots of bragging and boasting, followed by "____ LOVES school! He can't wait to go". You can imagine my discomfort when I, the mother of the timid child who has to coax him to school, would have to listen to these kind of comments each time I would see her. But, alas, I couldn't find common ground with the other preschool moms as they were just as proud of their children-- however, since I didn't know them prior to last year, very closed off and clickish.
This year, my son enjoys going to school and looks forward to it. He is not the "leader", nor does he come home talking about all of his friends there, BUT, he enjoys it and says it is fun. To me, that is all I can hope for. So, I can say this year is less torturous than last. At least he LIKES to go! BUT, these moms! I have no idea what the deal is with not wanting to talk, socialize, or even say hi to me (or their kids say hi to my son for that matter). I have never struggled meeting new people or making friends. In fact, I consider myself as a social sanguine person- and have received past compliments about my ability to talk to everyone. In this case, it is so uncomfortable to do drop-off and pick-up (even if it just requires waiting for 5 minutes), that I actually find myself getting anxiety over it! I see the SAME moms day in and day out. In fact, some of the moms are the same as from last year's preschool class. There are a few that will give a smile or say a brief "hi", but no conversation happens past that. And, if it ever does, the next time I see these moms, it's as though I have never seen them before, and conversation (if any) is the same shallow crap that I've had with them before.
It is one of the hardest things to swallow my pride and go there every other day. I actually find myself less stressed on days where he doesn't have school.
So, I just want to say thanks to you, Roxanne, as well as the other awesome mommies who have the courage to vent about their struggles. It really does mean something to know that I'm not alone.
SED - do you live in a small town? I ask because I do, and I think when you live in a town where the other parents have either grown up there (and are still friends with their high school friends who also still live in the town) or have lived there for a long time, coming in as the "newbie" is really tough. I have met some nice moms, but honestly, it's still a struggle (and I wrote that post four years ago!). I just don't get how some moms can't even muster a smile or a hello. I mean, really? And you wonder why some kids behave the way they do?
Hang in there - you will find your kindred spirits!
Thx for responding, RYD! I actually live in the suburb of a large city. But, there are quite a few who have grown up in that suburb. I'm just glad to know that I'm not alone. I have never posted on a blog in my life, but googled "bitchy moms" and your blog entry was the first that came up. I was laughing and nodding my head "yes" the entire time I read it. I just never envisioned I would struggle with something like this! We are all adults, and, like you, I can't understand how some moms are so wrapped up in their own lives that they can't look outside themselves and say hello or carry on a logical conversation.
Thanks again for your support!
SED - I felt compelled to respond because I am so annoyed with these women! Plus, it gives me a little satisfaction to know I'm not the only one who feels this way. I honestly do not understand why some women behave that way, and I never thought as an adult I'd worry about being excluded, but... here I am. And here you are with me. It's good to have nice company! :)
This is so funny, I have no idea where you are in the world (I'm in Australia) but we all face the same high school bitches later in life. I was in tears all day yesterday and I'm trying to change my son's school. I wish we were all in the same town I'm sure the conversation would flow easily as would the laughter. Motherhood is tough and I have a few good friends who I can laugh with about the absurdities of life and the funny things children do. I can't understand the bitchy moms they can't possibly gain anything useful and they make the rest of us nuts.
I don't have any answers but my son is at a very small school, I've decide to move him to the bigger campus in the hope that the movie will dilute some of the bitchy influence. At the moment there are 23 moms, I'm trying to move him to a year with 60 kids... more choices for both of us to at least find someone to talk to. Funny we find we can talk to someone on the other side of town'/city/state/country but not the playground. :)
I had the same problem and then I realized there were a few other mums hanging around the periphery on their own too. I approached them and over time developed friendships with them. Lo and behold! All of a sudden, the bitchy moms thought I was worth talking to. Also, I discovered that some of the moms I thought were bitchy and snobby were actually struggling socially and felt the same way I did.
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